Thursday, April 22, 2010

Earth Day/Dearth Day -- Going Out on a Limb

As a newby eco-believer, here are my dire predictions:

1. We will use up all of the proven reserves of oil in the entire world by the end of the next decade. The Earth will get by for another 18 months using recycled tubes of George Castanza's Brylcreem.

2. I predict the destruction of 70% of the natural world in 30 years, mass extinction of species, the collapse of human society in many countries (resulting in wars, rumors of war, and YouTube videos of wars-in-progress), and Coca-Cola will introduce a new beverage during this time-frame.

3. Within 30 years, more than half the world will be afflicted by water shortages, with 95% of people in the Middle East with severe problems, including a resurgence of "ring-around-the-collar", ... 25% of all species of mammals and 10% of birds will be extinct. OK, make that 9%, I had a rounding-error.

4. The world will run out of gold by 2081, mercury by 2085, tin by 2087, zinc by 2090, petroleum by 2092 (if prediction 1 fails to come to pass), copper, lead, and gas by 2093, and Sweet-And-Low by 2094.

One more.

5. Global warming will turn into global swarming (of insects), which will morph into Goebble-warnings of the extinction of races and the survival of the eco-fittest.

Now, a concrete action plan:

Global warming's gonna be worse than all the pending Islamist terrorist attacks we've been fighting. So, let's get with the program. We dismantle all the annoying security measures at airports and set them up instead on city streets. All citizens should be inspected, poked, prodded, wanded, patted, told to remove their shoes and display the soles of their feet (as I was last week) daily in the name of saving the planet from AGW global warming. If your carbon footprint is bigger than a size six, you in trouble.

Don't even think of drinking your water from that plastic bottle -- you destroying the planet!

And that's the way the eco-terror-action-thriller-totalitarian-leaning Ball bounces.

Happy Earth Day!




4 comments:

Bert said...

All of those predictions will not come true if we are able to recycle Al Gores body into it's constituant elements.

RkBall said...

Bert, you're right -- Al Gore, single-handedly, could save the planet. Why, his recycled body alone could provide enough fresh drinking water to quench the thirst of Africa for a decade!

PS -- Bert, at first I thought you were the Burger King, er, King, but now I see you are Bert-the-Norse-Eco-Warrior.

maryT said...

Re #5, have you seen the plaque of locust in Australia. It is starting.

L said...

The world is ending in 2012 anyway

"... nothing intellectually compelling or challenging.. bald assertions coupled to superstition... woefully pathetic"