Friday, January 30, 2009

The Apostrophe Protection Society Aint Gonna Like This

In Canada, the singing of the national anthem has been banned by a school in New Brunswick. Too controversial.

Meanwhile, across the pond, the Birmingham City Council has declared war on the apostrophe. The council said the move to ban apostrophe's from public sign's had been taken for the purpose's of consistency and to avoid cost's and confusion over whether place name's should ever take an apostrophe.

It's kind of like the Tim Hortons, Wendy's thing. Wendy has one; Tim doesn't -- and they used to be owned by the same company. Yike's!

Mr. John Richards, founder of the Apostrophe' Protection Society, characterized the decision as “absolute defeatism.”

And I could not agree more! Understanding where to place apostrophes is the characteristic of a clear-thinking mind.

Meanwhile, Martin Mullaney, of the city’s transportation scrutiny committee, said Birmingham had been phasing out apostrophe's since the 1950's.

It is my theory that for every dropped apostrophe theres an apostrophe in a place where it doesnt belong. So, it all balance's out in the end.

And thats the way the Ball bounce's.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

"It's Cold Out There, Woodchuck-Chuckers!"

Down here in Phoenix, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and all is well.

I understand that those unfortunates in the more north-easterly parts are experiencing a bit of cold. Fear not! Joe Agnost is on the earth to assure you all, as you shiver in your without-power homes that this is just a spot of weather you are experiencing. The over-arching story, the Big Story, is that the globe is warming, it's got a fever, it's on fire!

And, if you think it's cold out now (that's weather), just imagine how much colder it would be, if not for the warming planet (that's climate!).

Joe offers climate lessons for $5. I've just had my first lesson.

I feel like a Mel Bay student after lesson one. I can name the six strings!

And that's the way the chillin' in Phoenix Ball bounces.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Here's A Good One...

Two York University students from Nigeria have been charged with fraud after someone made off with $115,000 in unauthorized withdrawals from a TD Bank account.

According to the National Post, someone threatened a TD employee working at a Pickering branch with death and received confidential banking information from her.

Police tracked the suspects to a Toronto home, raided the place, and seized thousands of blank business cheques, high-end printers and counterfeit Canada Post stamps. They also found dozens of business cheques believed stolen, letters to be mass-mailed regarding a fake lottery win, and personal information from thousands of people across the country and in the U.S.

It's the Nigerian scam imported to Canada.

Ah, the joys of Canadian multiculturalism.

The Thousand Year Global Warming Reich

The ingenuity of global warming alarmists never ceases to amaze me.

I mean, where do you go after you've said that

a) the earth is warming,

b) the earth "has a fever",

c) the earth "is on fire",

d) "we have five (eight, fifteen - whatever) years to save the planet,

and we face

e) massive flooding of coastal areas,

f) death of untold numbers of species,

g) increased tree mortality rates,

h) the melting of the Arctic and Antartica,

i) increased frequency and intensity of hurricanes

j) the traumatic death of hapless ice-flow polar bears,

j) extinction


and people still aren't willing to hand over their their wealth, their lifestyles, and their futures to the scientific-social-political elite?

How about a 1,000 year global warming reich, and dust bowls. That's right, dust bowls, like right out of the 1930s.

The damaging effects of climate change are now declared to be "irreversible", according to the Ms. Susan Solomon of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, who defines irreversible as lasting a thousand years.

She also poses the threat of US 1930s-style dust bowls across specified parts of Europe, Africa, North America, and Australia.

“This aspect is one that is poorly appreciated by policy makers and the general public and it is real,” said Mr. Trenberth, who was not part of the research group.

No, it is not "real". It is a prediction. It is only as good as the reliability of the prediction. And futuristic climate science is a very imprecise science indeed; driven not by objective science but to at least some extent by rapacious funding grants, egos, and anti-western ideology -- we have been very, very bad people to invent the internal combustion engine and to develop and use gas to drive our cars and coal to fuel our homes and electrical generation plants to provide a comfortable life -- we should be punished.

The research in Ms. Solomon's report was supported by the Office of Science at the US Department of Energy. And was done, we should remind ourselves, during George Bush's tenure in office.

Which should be enough in itself to entirely discredit the report in the minds of many.

And that's the way the bowled-over Ball bounces.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Silver Lining: Global Warming Extends Life-Expectancies!!!

According to groundbreaking new U.S. research, life-expectancies have been rising over the past few decades by about three years, with five months of that attributable to environmental factors. Since we all know that the globe has been warming during this period, and since anything bad that happens gets attributed to global warming, we should be able to safely attribute anything good, such as longer longevity, to global warming as well. Now that's good news!

And, it gets even better! Since the planet is warming, has a fever, is on fire, and is about to go nuclear, this means we are going to live longer and longer and longer. We're gonna live foreverrrrrrrrr!!!!

Wait a minute. The study doesn't attribute increased longevity to global warming, but to improved air quality in US cities. Improved air quality? You mean to tell me that all the time that environment-hating George Bush was in office, the air in US cities was getting slowly and steadily better? The sneak! Has he no shame?

I'm all for good science, and good environmental practices -- such as working to eliminate pollutants (real pollutants, not life-giving C02). Clean air is good!

And that's the way the breathing easier Ball bounces.

Now, everybody take a deep breath.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Global Warming Death Rise: Oh, the Inhumanity!

We're still down here in Phoenix, enjoying that lucky old sun. USA Today has a blaring headline today reporting that deaths due to global warming are up more than 100% across Western US states.

If that isn't alarming enough, expert alarmist Phillip van Mantgem of the alarmingly alarmist U.S. Geologic Survey says, "Very likely the mortality rate will continue to rise".

Deaths have more than doubled. The mortality rate is on the rise. And becoming risier by the day. And it's all because you continue to drive your stupid car and buy your stupid food at the grocery store and obstinately refuse to adopt a more earth-friendly hunter-gatherer lifestyle!

But wait a minute. Didn't we report recently that more Americans die from excessive cold than excessive heat? What's going on here?

What's going on is this: the USA Today article dealing with deaths, death-rates, and mortality-rates is not talking about human beings (that's so passe). No, they are talking about something that matters, are you ready for this, trees. Trees. We're talking arbicide, not homicide.

Still, using the language of human mortality is a pretty catchy hook. I predict journalists are gonna fall for the hook, hook, line, and sinker.

But what about the "happening faster than expected" alarmist sub-text? Surely they didn't miss a chance to throw that in? Not at all. Right on schedule, here it is:

"Climate changes in mountain regions... are occurring at a much faster pace than has generally been recognized."

Did you catch that? It's not just climate change -- that we could handle. It's climate changes!!!!!!! And THEY are happening at a much faster pace than we thought. They are happening so fast, I find myself having to type faster jst 2 kp up.

So, there it is. Yesterday, we were merely doomed. Now, we are not only doomed, we are doomeder heading for doomedest.

Meanwhile, Drudge is reporting today that a Pew poll has global warming rated dead last as an American priority.

Dead last! Now that's a global warming death statistic even I can get behind.

And that's the way the still-cruising-after-all-these-years Ball bounces.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Global Warming Causes Insanity!!!!

Flint Michigan's John Tomlinson says we should pray for global warming.

How deluded is that?!

Even worse, he thinks it's cold outside !!!

Clear evidence that global warming cause insanity.

Actually, we've known that for some time -- they're called C02 offset credits.

And that's the way the C02-friendly Ball bounces.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Four More Years!

A year of two ago Al Gore said we had eight or maybe it was 10 years to save the planet. To which I said, "Great". Eight more years of global warming hysteria and then we can all get on with living our lives on this frying pan of a planet called Earth. I've got it marked on my calendar, so I'll know when the jig is up.

News today is even better.

Global warming alarmist-in-chief Jim Hansen has announced that President Barack Obama, will have exactly four years to save the world from the destruction of global warming. Four more years! Four more years! Then we can get on with living our wretched little lives without being bombarded with bombastic bumpf from the bombastic buffoons of bumpf over there in the global warming corner.

So, I've got no problem with the four-year timeline. It's an improvement over Gore!

But it does seem just a little too convenient that Barack Obama has exactly the next four years -- exactly one full term in office -- to save the world. If he had six years, he couldn't do it without re-election; if he had three years, he would have a year left to twiddle his thumbs (creating environmentally-friendly energy while emitting scant extra C02 from the exertion involved).

But no, in the grand unfolding of the cosmos, Barack gets inaugurated into a four-year term this week, and then he has exactly four years to save the world!

Message to Obama: forget about the economy. Forget about the threat of the economic collapse of the western world. Forget about the threat of Islamic terrorism and oppression. Forget about all the people who don't have enough to eat now. What's any of that when the planet is on fire, and you only have four years to SAVE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!!

* * *

Four years from now the alarmists will be saying the anomalous cool spell has given us a reprieve, and we now have... four more years.

And that's the way the cool-as-a-cucumber Ball bounces.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Canadian Geese, Whaaa?

I heard the news today. Oh boy! An American announcer down here referred to the birds that got sucked into the engines of the US Airways jet as "Canadian Geese".

"Canadian Geese"?! Doesn't everybody know that the bird is a Canada Goose, and when you've got more than one, you've got Canada Geese?!

Come to think of it, why hasn't PETA come to the defense of the innocent Canada Geese whose lives were so cruelly snuffed out by the US Airways jet? Is it because they were "Canadian" Geese? Is this a racist thing?

Gotta tell ya. My self-esteem is shot and I am insulted, insulted I tell you, that my identity as a Canadian has been so savagely trashed.

Somebody better build me a basketball court and fast, or there's no telling what I may do.

And that's the way the made-in-Canada Ball bounces.

Global Warming: An Opportunity That's For The Birds

I'm going out on another limb. The miracle on the Hudson -- the rescue of the 155 lives from the downed US Airways plane -- has caught America's/the world's attention. The crash itself is being blamed on birds.

I'm predicting that at some point in all of this an alarmist will blame the increase in birds on global warming. What better disaster scenario than planes falling from the sky -- all because you drove your SUV to the Circle-K for a root beer and failed to get rid of all your 100 Watt light bulbs?

And that's the way the I'm-drinking-something-called-Diet-Dr.-Thunder-Ball bounces (in Phoenix).

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Christianity vs. Militant Islam -- Explained

An airplane filled with 155 Americans crashed into the Hudson River today after take-off from LaGuardia. Militant Islamist: "Praise Allah!"

All 155 human lives were saved. Christian: "Praise the Lord!"

All human life is precious in God's sight. God does not desire the death of the wicked, but rather that everyone repents and believes on the Provision that he has made.

"It's Cold Out There, Woodchuck-Chuckers!"

Global warming continues to wreak havoc with weather around the world. Flinty Flint Michiganers are hunkering down. Flint just broke a 95 year old record for heat. No, make that cold. And, change global warming to climate change.

Meanwhile, over in Madison Wisconsin, civic officials are drafting draconian measures to deal with the global warming planet-is-on-fire emergency -- measures which include plans for food shortages, a fuel-less USA, etc. I think Madison is also the marijuana capital of the USA, but I could be wrong on that.

At any rate, I suggest they take the plans and use them for fuel.

And that's the way the luxuriating in Phoenix, AZ (where it's warm) Ball bounces.

PS. Our Air Canada jet was unable to take off from Toronto yesterday morning -- it was frozen. The water lines in the jet were frozen, and, when these were investigated, they discovered the extreme cold had caused a fuel line leakage. Our 9:15 am. flight left for sunny Phoenix 5 1/2 hours after scheduled departure. But we did arrive safely. For which we are thankful.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Global Warming: Upping the Ante

Because the world is pretty much busy getting on with living its life and ignoring the global warming doomsayers, global warming alarmists have learned that the only way to get fresh media attention is to up the ante with ever more alarming alarmist alarms.

The good news is the alarming alarmist alarms should not be a cause for alarm; they should be recognized for what they are: propaganda; over-heated (if you will pardon the expression) rhetoric.

The latest to weigh in is Hillary Clinton.

According to Hillary, the world, because of global warming, faces wars over food, wars over water, wars over arable land. Followed by extinction.

Extinction. She actually said that. "It threatens our very existence".

About the only thing the alarmists have left I figure is nuclear annihilation. I'm not sure if nuclear annihilation is actually worse than extinction, because extinction sounds pretty damaging and permanent, but nuclear annihilation at least sounds worse and is dramatic and plays into existing doomsday fears. So I might as well go first, get it on record and save the alarmists some effort. So, here goes:

"Because of global warming, we face the prospect of nuclear annihilation". There. I said it.

You saw it here first.

And that's the way the going-out-on-a-limb Ball bounces.

Phoenix Looking Good!

We are headed to Phoenix today. Thought I should check the weather. Here it is:

Weather forcast for Phoenix, AZ

22°C | 5°CWed

22°C | 5°CThu

22°C | 5°CFri

22°C | 4°C

I'm guessing it's going to be around 22°C (72°F)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

An Ice Age Is A Nice Age

Apparently Russian scientists haven't got the message about anthropogenic global warming (AGW).

Pravda is reporting (and has it ever been wrong) that we're on the brink of an Ice Age which could last 100,000 years. Don't count on the environmentalists to be alarmed. Unless it could somehow be attributed to western economic success and capitalism, they would probably insist that we do nothing, since this is merely nature doing its thing.

Meanwhile, Al Gore is advocating civil disobedience to ensure that no new coal plants are built. I guess there's already enough to supply his Tennessee mansion.

And that's the way the snow Ball bounces.

Global Warming Causes Body-rings to Melt!!!

Global Warming Causes Body-rings to Melt!!!

Wait a minute. Did I say melt? I meant freeze.

Slovenia registered its lowest temperatures ever, as in Ev-er.

Germany's meteorological institute is warning that metal "earrings" on people’s bodies could freeze.


I'm getting rid of my nose ring, pronto!

And that's the way the warm-as-ice Ball bounces.

Bundle up, Wisconsin woodchuck-chuckers, it's cold out there!

Dateline Oshkosh, Wisconsin:

39 inches of snow.

Average temperature 15.8 degrees F. 6.3 degrees below normal for December. Nine days with below zero temperatures.

The 10th coldest December since weather records began in the 1880s.

If someone doesn't get a handle on global warming soon, we're all going to freeze to death!

Bundle up, woodchuck-chuckers, it's cold out there!

And that's the way the icecube Ball bounces.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

"It's Cold Out There, Woodchuck-Chuckers!" *Updated*

I recently gave up posting satirical observations on the whole global warming frenzy. It just got too easy. Two, three, four, even five items a day that ran counter to the mainstream narrative that the planet was over-heated, had a fever, and was on fire.

I assumed that global warming alarmists would just hunker down while reciting their mantra over chattering teeth, "when it's hot it's climate, when it's cold, it's the weather".

But I want to mention this one: Right now it's 78 degrees below zero in Alaska. Seventy-eight degrees below zero. Canadians will say, "ah, but what is that in Celsius??? My friend, at -78 degrees, I don't think it much matters. You better hope that your Stanfields were inspected by No. 10 on a good day and that your wife doesn't lock you out of the house.

One more thing. It's been reported that more people die in North America from cold than heat. The environmentalists hope it stays that way.

And that's the way the frozen-north Ball bounces.


The current temperature in Tok, Alaska has risen to -40 C.

Proof that the planet is warming and global warming is real.

Friday, January 09, 2009

WhY WorrY? Be An Atheist

The Globe and Mail has an article on the advantages of atheism.

Here's my response:

Fearing where you may end up is a perfectly valid reason to turn from sin to God. Jesus, faithful man that he was, spoke more of hell than heaven. He wasn't called "Saviour" for nothing. And he didn't endure the cross just for the fun of it.

The fallacy of thinking you should just get on with "being good for goodness' sake" is the idea that a person can be truly good without God's help. We sin in deed, word, and thought, making us utterly unworthy of, undeserving of, and unsuited to God's heaven. To think otherwise is astonishingly misguided and misapprehending of our human condition.

That God has made a way for us is good news. That man should say one way isn't broad enough, or this way isn't the way we had in mind, is the height of arrogance -- the reason we are in this mess in the first place.

And that's the way the Ball bounces.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Global Warming's Perpetual Emotion Machine

According to the latest at Toronto's Globe and Mail, planet Earth faces a “perpetual food crisis” because global warming will "likely" lead to massive widespread crop failures "possibly" as early as 2040 to 2060.

Why worry about real, actual people who haven't got enough to eat now, when you can worry about "likely", "maybe", "might-happen" shortages 50 years out?

If it's not driven by western/white guilt, we're not interested.

Not Just Your Average Joe

"Bean" thinking about buying a cappuccino maker but wondering if it's a good use of our discretionary cash, whether it makes good investment sense, etc. Bean dragging my feet on it for a year. Unlike Chicago school bureaucrats who, as reported on Drudge, just went out and bought 30 cappuccino/espresso machines for $67,000.

30 machines for $67,000 !!! Do you see how much easier it is when you are spending someone else's money?!?

But not everyone was as pumped as they obviously were: "We... look at it as a waste of money because the schools... weren't prepared to implement them into the curriculum".

Implement them into the curriculum? Cappuccino machines are part of the curriculum? The schools weren't ready for them? Do they need to hire consultants to get to ready? For $67,000 USD I will develop a kick-bean, double-shot cappuccino readiness-plan -- hold the froth!

As a bonus, I'll throw in teaching the kids how to spell "curriculum" and "cappuccino" at no extra charge.

It's probably more than they're getting now.

And that's the way the caffeinated Ball bounces.

Monday, January 05, 2009

What's Wrong With This Picture?

For the last eight years Foreign Affairs has formally advised Canadians to stay out of Gaza.

Many Canadians have chosen to ignore these warnings.

As a result, since June 2007 Canada has launched not one or two or three but six operations to get one hundred and fifty five Canadians out of Gaza. I assume that these efforts are paid for by taxpayers and that the government is not reimbursed for its efforts.

If so, my question is this: who are these people, and why are we paying to assist in their removal from Gaza when they have been warned to stay out?

Friday, January 02, 2009

Hockey Night in Punjabi

Every once in a while I have a "this can't be real/this can't be happening" moment. A couple of years back, it was "Little Mosque on the Prairies". The first time I saw the ad for this show, I assumed someone had hacked the CBC site, but no, this was real and the folks at CBC are now mighty proud of their little comedy piece about those wacky Muslims.

Tonight was another one of those moments.

I was trying to find out the schedule for the next Canada Juniors hockey game. I ended up at And what did I see? Hockey Night in Canada -- in Punjabi. Punjabi? Canada's taxpayer-funded network is spending taxpayer funds to broadcast in Punjabi?! This is, apparently, in addition to broadcasting in Mandarin. A CBC spokesperson said how proud he was that the CBC was opening Canada's game to new audiences. Opening the game to new audiences? You mean the punjabi-speaking immigrants can't speak either English or French, and the CBC feels obligated to serve them hockey in their native language?

If there are immigrants who need hockey in Punjabi because they can't speak English, shouldn't the taxpayers' money be spent to teach immigrants, you know, English and French?

I still haven't been able to figure out when the next Canada Juniors game is. Maybe if I learned Punjabi....

And that's the way the English-speaking Ball bounces.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

"Too Early For Flapjacks?"

Here I am all bundled up in my L.L. Bean, along with the view from our back "sunroom" window this fine New Year's Day morning.

Thank you, God, for a wonderful world!

We went for New Year's Day "flapjacks" at the Charlottetown Hotel this morning -- through the ice and snow and wintry weather. With my size fourteens, I was the good king Wenceslas to my wife's Page.

I think we saw an Al Gore snowman on the way, but it may have been an eliptical allusion.

* * *

A New Year's Day Prayer: "God, you are God. May you display your divine power on Earth in 2009 -- in the realms of government, science, economics, and religion. Truly, only You are God. And with the advent of this new year, we take a step closer to the moment when [spoiler alert] Christ returns to establish his righteous rule on Earth."

Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Happy New Year!

"... nothing intellectually compelling or challenging.. bald assertions coupled to superstition... woefully pathetic"