Holy cow!

The United Nations has produced a 400-page report that reveals the world's greatest environmental threat to the planet's climate.

This threat is also responsible for damaging forests and wildlife. causing acid rain, the introduction of alien species, producing deserts, creating dead zones in the oceans, poisoning rivers and drinking water, and, finally, destroying coral reefs.

No, we are not talking about Americans on vacation.

The report by the Food and Agricultural Organisation, is talking about herds of cattle -- one point five billion of them.

According to the UN (and we know they never lie), livestock are responsible for 18 per cent of the greenhouse gases that cause global warming -- more than cars, planes and all other forms of transport put together.

Now all we need to do is spin this so we can blame mankind in general and Americans in particular for the cow menace (while sensitively offering Hindus a multicultural exemption).

Meanwhile, I'm going to do my part for the environment by continuing to own and drive a car, while absolutely pledging never to own a cow.

I hope you'll join me on this new crusade to save the planet.