Friday, July 18, 2008

Are You Better Than A Cheezie?

Hawkins Cheezies are the best cheezies on the planet. Hawkins is the only company that can actually call their cheezies cheezies. Other brands, like Frito Lay, have to call their you-wish, wanna-be products cheese twists, or some other lame name.

Hawkins are the crunchiest, cheddar-cheesiest, saltiest, cheezies on the planet.

I'm a fan.

I visited their factory in Belleville, Ontario. Unlike Jelly Bellies in California who have turned their factory into a carnival of color and celebration, the Hawkins Cheezies factory in Belleville is just a factory. Very Canadian. Still, if you're lucky, you can step inside the factory door and breathe in the cheezie fumes.

So, I'm enjoying the huge bag of Cheezies I got at Costco, and trying to ignore the fat content label.

But after all the exchanges I've had recently with atheist blogger-friends, I'm a bit bummed out. Cheezies are the product of design; they were intelligently conceived, they were wanted, they were nursed into being. Me on the other hand, I'm just the product of mindless, impersonal forces. As the country song goes, "Someone wanted Cheezies, but No-one wanted me".

Yes, I am a gazillion times more complex than a Cheezie, and, a higher-order species than a Cheezie.

But, the Cheezie is designed and I am not. It could, in fact, be argued that the Cheezie is of intrinsic higher worth, because it is the product of mind, and I am not. It is the product of will, and I am not. It is the product of intelligence, and I am not. It is a work of love, and I am not. (Unless, of course, I am.)

Still, there is one small consolation.

It is I who get to eat the Cheezie.

And that's the way the orange-fingered Ball bounces.


Items for Sale said...

I didn't know anyone felt as strongly about Hawkins Cheezies as I do. I refuse to eat any other kind. I live in the far north and have to rely on Shopper's Drug Mart to supply me. You're right ...lots of fat so I try to limit my treat to periodically....and don't I remember seeing Jacks on the label for years.

dhedges.......Elliot Lake

RkBall said...

I didn't realize Elliot Lake was considered the "far north". Perhaps if Costco has another sale on them, I could mail you a supply -- much cheaper than Shoppers! But maybe by the time we factor in shipping costs, you wouldn't save much.

The summer of Cheezies has almost ended for me -- I have about 8 left from a huge multi-bag bag.

Balbulican said...

I have serious reservations about your theology, Richard, but I must say you are spot on re Hawkins. It's difficult to convey to the uninitiated the vastness of the gap that separates Hawkins Cheezies in their assymetrical, lumpy, orange-fingered grandeur, from the inferior sort that melts into grainy sludge in your mouth.

RkBall said...

"Hawkins Cheezies in their asymmetrical, lumpy, orange-fingered grandeur"

"The early cosmos, in its asymmetrical, lumpy, orange-fingered grandeur"


Have we discovered the meaning of life?!

Balbulican said...

Hawkins / Dawkins.


RkBall said...

Hawking -> Hawkins -> Dawkins

Deep evolutionary forces at work caused by random mutation of single letters!

Michaelangelo's famous picture of creation -- ever noticed that the Deity's finger is orange?


The outer edges of the universe appear like an orangey cellophane-like bag.


We have discovered the meaning of the universe!!!

Now, to turn it into a best-seller book.

AHPMax said...

OMG...Jacks cheesies. I loved those snacks so much I wrote Frito Lay and asked what they did with them and was told...sorry no more. :( so sad
Those were the best ever cheesies.

Anonymous said...


Yesss! Jacks cheesies were the best! I get something similar in Buffalo called Jax. They are sooo good!

"... nothing intellectually compelling or challenging.. bald assertions coupled to superstition... woefully pathetic"