I'm An Addict, Help!

This is the voice of reason speaking. The settled science remains settled, and irrefutably unrefutable.

And those irrational deniers who irrationally deny it are nothing more than brain-addled carbon addicts.

I admit it. I'm an addict. A carbon addict. Unlike Todd...

I.

Drove.

My.

Car.

Today.

I'm so ashamed! Help me!

Oh, it wasn't always this way...

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed fossil fuel's help in anyway.

But now those days are gone, I'm not so self assured,

Find I went and bought a car and opened up its doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

And there's so much CO2 I'm spreadin' 'round.

Help me get my feet back on the ground,

Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,

My CO2 dependency grows thicker in the haze.

Yet every now and then I feel so insecure,

I know that I just need a car, like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

And there's so much CO2 I'm spreadin' 'round.

Help me get my feet back on the ground,

Won't you please, please help me?

Help me,

Help me,

Ooooooo.

And that's the way the carbon-belching, planet-destroying, car-drivin', western-way-of-life-lovin' Ball bounces.