Monday, January 16, 2006

An important message from the Prime Minister (2)

[camera pans in on Paul Martin, who is reading his notes. Paul Martin looks up at the camera]

My fellow Canadians,

Recent news articles have highlighted a growing problem. A weighty problem that is, frankly, becoming increasingly difficult to wrap our arms around. The problem is obesity. Now, let me be very, very clear. What this means is that too many of us are fat.

The fend-for-yourself Conservatives, following an American agenda, will just let Canadians go on eating what they like. This will not solve the problem. In fact, it will just [pause] "upsize" the problem [grin and look pleased with self].

Well, let me tell you, I am passionate about this country, and Mr. Harper may let it go to the hot-dogs, but I will not. And, flab may be good enough for the Conservatives, but, let me tell you, it is not good enough for the Liberals.

Liberal research experts have identified an important source of obesity. And that is gum. An over-abundance of gum. We are awash in gum, much of it, frankly imported from the United States where there are no laws concerning gum. Ladies, and gentlemen, to solve this problem, we simply have to get the gum off the streets.

That is why, as your Prime Minister, I promise you that I will, in the first 90 days of office, establish a gum registry.

We have been told by some that the right to gum is protected by a man or a woman's right to chews; well I disagree. And that is why, I am announcing today, a ban on all gum small enough to fit in the palm of your hands; gum that could easily be transported from place to place in a pocket; that is right, I am announcing a total ban on hand gums.

[satisfied look - fade]

1 comment:

Chanandler said...

Kind of ironic don't you think that the PM now decides to ban gum just as he learns that the gigantic Liberal bubble that he has been blowing for so long is about to burst.

Don't leave with sticky good all over your face Mr. Prime Minister, just leave.

"... nothing intellectually compelling or challenging.. bald assertions coupled to superstition... woefully pathetic"