"Our green berets will be red" [satire]

Canada to get its own version of Green Berets

David Pugliese, CanWest News Service; Ottawa Citizen
Published: Wednesday, January 04, 2006
[satirized by RKB]

OTTAWA -- The Canadian military will create a 10-strong special-forces unit to be located at Canadian Forces Base Petawawa. News of the announcement apparently leaked out earlier today, as the market saw an unexpected spike in beret sales and suspicious trading patterns in used military equipment. When asked about this, military spokesman H. G. Shultz, speaking on behalf of the present government, said, "I know nothing, nothing!".

The quick-response team, dubbed Soldiers Helping United Nations will consist of an elite, ten-person unit known as a 10-SHUN.

Military spokesman Maj. Doug Outt said "What you're looking at is high mobility, high training, with both conventional and non-conventional capabilities." Outt said. "Think of (U.S. army) Ranger battalions, Green Berets, those sort of skill sets, only without guns or nasty offensive weapons".

When asked about non-conventional capabilities, Outt offered, "Well, if confronted with a terrorist, they could probably throw a cup of hot Tim Hortons coffee in his or her face". It is not known if Tim Hortons will be an official sponsor of the new regiment, but it is rumoured that the forces have been making discreet inquiries concerning the availability of surplus Tim Hortons uniforms.

The new regiment is expected to be operational by the end of August with about half its headquarters and support personnel in place. The unit will continue to build in size, adding one person a year over the next five to six years until it gets to full strength.

Equipment will be initially borrowed from other army units but eventually new gear will be purchased for the regiment, Outt said. Bake-sales and army-navy white elephant sales are planned, and the troops may also go door-to-door.

An Ottawa-based civil-service staff of 5,000 persons will be developed to support the unit, which reportedly will include a 24/7 1-800 number available for troops to call-in if they have any questions. Services will be provided in both official languages. The government is said to be looking into establishing an additional civil service dept. to provide provisioning and logistical support to the support staff. The size of this latter unit will be decided later, a spokesman indicated.

As for the berets, an army spokesman revealed that an elite team of provisioners has been tasked with the responsibility to source the berets. The provisioners are expected to follow the strictly oral recommendations of an outside consultant with close connections to this government. The consultant reportedly advised the army to visit a Roots store. The spokesman confided that while the exact specifications for the beret are classified "for obvious reasons", they are looking for something in a natural, non-synthetic material similar to that worn by the famed US Green Berets. "Except of course," he said, "our green berets will be red."